In relation to my “failed’ marriage my father said to me that maybe I was too complacent and maybe that’s why my ex-wife got bored. I was a little surprised to hear him say that, but I didn’t necessarily disagree. It got me thinking: maybe I wasn’t cut out to be in a relationship; maybe I’m not a good partner.
It’s not that I think I’m a bad guy or that I’m not considerate enough. It’s just that I’ve always believed that it’s more important to be in a relationship because you want to be and not because you need to be. Maybe I don’t need it enough. Or maybe I do and I just don’t want to believe it.
One of my colleagues at work said to me once, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too easy going. That’s just how you are.” My initial reaction to that was, “Why would I take offence to that?” I still don’t take offence, but looking back on these comments makes me wonder if they’re onto something? (Since I first started writing this post another friend has since said to me, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re way too much of a nice guy.”)
It’s funny, I’ve always believed that you must be comfortable in who you are, comfortable with yourself before you can form any sort of meaningful relationships with people. It’s been my habit after break ups to take time to be alone, time to reacquaint myself with me. I feel it’s important that when you are in a relationship it’s because you want to be in it and not that you need to be in it. This sounded reasonable to me but then I came across an on-line article the other day looking at why there are more single women in their 30’s than ever. The answer was funny: they’re single because their told they don’t need relationships.
So what’s more important in a relationship: the want or the need? I still believe it’s the want, but maybe this idea of need is worth another look. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something and there’s nothing wrong with needing something. Further more, there is nothing wrong with asking for something you want or need. Maybe we’re all too caught up in this idea that we can and should be self sufficient in every aspect of our lives that we’ve become hardened. More like a rock than perhaps we should be. I said before that being impervious to emotions robs us of the human experience. I was referring primarily to external factors, but now I wonder how much that applies to what comes from within.
I believe that my wants and needs are relatively simple and few, further than that I am not terribly affected if my wants go unfulfilled….for the most part. It’s not that I am not disappointed or saddened. I am, but my strong sense of pragmatism tells me that wants are not necessities and life goes on without them and other wants and opportunities may come along.
Is it that I don’t place enough value on my own needs? Or maybe it’s that some of my wants are more needs than I recognize or acknowledge. Most who know me would agree that I generally think of others before myself. I had a great discussion with a high school friend in which she pointed out that looking out for others is great, but that I shouldn’t forget to look out for myself. Maybe this has to do with how I view my life. I am easy going. I generally roll with whatever comes my way. Maybe I’m too flexible. Maybe it’s just a question of being able to more openly express my wants and needs. If I bend too much to the situation around me, do I lose the form that is actually me?
There is a quote I like from Bruce Lee: “Be like water. Water can flow or it can crash. Be like water my friend.” (It goes something like that anyway.) I’ve been pretty good at flowing, but I’m not sure I ever crash. Maybe it’s time.
