Rage against/of the two wheeled machine.

Last year, a high profile public figure was involved in the death of a cyclist here in Toronto.  Recently all charges in the incident were dropped. This sparked a lot of backlash from the cycling community and my friend had this to say about it. Personally I think his criticisms of cyclists was voiced a little harshly, but I do agree with his point. Cyclists should be more aware and take more responsibility for their actions. The same could also be said of many drivers.

Cycling is my primary mode of transportation. I ride my bike almost every day, all year round. I have seen careless drivers, careless cyclists and have had a few close calls with both.  I can’t honestly say that I follow the letter of the law while I’m riding, but every time I do bend or break the rules I am very aware that it is a choice that I have made and I only make that choice when there is no danger….to anyone.

Without going through a list of dangerous behaviours, both on a bike and behind the wheel of a car, it’s pretty clear that both drivers and cyclists feel that they are entitled to be on the road. There just seems to be a lack of awareness on both sides as to how much of the road each is entitled to. Although legally, bikes are entitled to as much as the road as a car, it is often inconsiderate AND unsafe to take up that space. In other instances it is safer and perhaps even necessary to behave as a car would.

I enjoy speeding past cars as they sit stuck in gridlock, but as I do, I always remember that I am not surrounded by two tons of metal and plastic and in an all out battle against a car, I WILL lose. That doesn’t stop me from voicing frustration at the ignorance of some drivers, but I do pick my battles. There are many cyclists out there who behave as if they are indestructible and have the undisputed right of way (which is incorrect)….try arguing that from a hospital bed.

To drivers who believe that cyclists do not belong on the road, I would suggest that they take a moment to consider the amount of power and potential destructive force they have at their control. Driving is a privilege, not a right and there is a reason that we are required to be licensed to drive.

Some would argue that cyclists should be licensed as well. I don’t think licensing cyclists is practical, but I do think that cyclists and drivers alike could stand to take more time to educate themselves on the perils of taking to the road.

Punk?

I was walking through the mall the other day when I overheard a conversation behind me. Well, half a conversation anyway. It was the voice of a young man complaining about how people looked at him. It went something like this:

I hate coming to this mall. I hate the way people look at me….like I’m a punk. They look at me like I’m a punk…it makes me wanna stab somebody’s eyes out! Man, one day I’m gonna stab somebody’s eyes out! I hate how people look at me!

As I listened to his angry statements I was curious about how he actually looked. I turned just enough to see him out of the corner of my eye. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the appearance of the young couple behind me. The thing that struck me was the young man’s attitude. I felt an urge to turn and tell the young man that if he didn’t want to be treated like a punk then perhaps an attitude adjustment was in order. I resisted the urge. I resisted because it wasn’t really my place and it seemed unlikely that he would have listened to me anyway. I also didn’t want to give him an excuse to try to stab my eyes out.

This got me thinking about how people see each other. How much of our perception of others is based on physical appearance? How much of our perception is based on a person’s attitude and behaviour? I suppose much of our first impressions could be based much more on physical appearance whether we mean to make such judgements or not. As we get to know people the basis of our perceptions shift away from physical appearance. In the case of this young man, I didn’t actually see what he looked like before making a judgement. (Forget for a moment that is was unfair of me to judge at all.) As I said, he piqued my curiosity when he first stated that people looked at him like he was a punk. What made it that much more likely was his follow up statement and attitude. Hopefully he was just having a bad day.

I am a selfish, old dog.

The last few months have been quite the roller coaster ride for me. Looking back and thinking about the experiences of the last few months has triggered a peculiar train of thought in me. One that leads to the conclusion that, in many ways, I am a selfish, old dog and as such will likely spend much of my life alone.

Is this to be my destiny?….I don’t know that I believe in destiny.
Can I live with this?….sure I can, but I’d probably be happier if I didn’t have to.
So what am I going to do about it?….I don’t know…

There’s a race?

It’s said that nice guys finish last.

Not too long ago, I reconnected with an old high school friend. We weren’t particularly close back then. I can’t say that we remembered a great deal about each other….after all it has been nearly 15 years. When we first started chatting again she did say that she remembered that I seemed to be a ‘nice guy’ and in fact the type of  ‘nice guy’ that finishes last.

Our recent discussions have led me to consider this idea some more. Whether or not I actually am a nice guy or not doesn’t really matter, nor does what you believe me to be. What matters is that I try to be a nice guy. Does that mean that I’ll always finish last or somewhere near the bottom? I don’t know, but maybe the better question is what am I racing for? Or what is this contest I’m in (and apparently losing)? I don’t know the answer to that either, but maybe the answer isn’t important to ‘nice guys’. Maybe the only race or contest that’s important to a nice guy is the one that he’s in with himself….for himself. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works with me. I need to know that I am staying true to myself. Sure I’d like to get the girl and getting rich would be nice, but if I can’t do those things without staying true to myself then I’ll do without. Part of who I am is wanting to have a positive impact on people’s lives even if it’s in the smallest of ways.  Sometimes that comes at the cost of a little pain or sacrifice for me, and that’s okay.

Am I finishing last? I don’t know what race you’re watching, but in the one I’m watching, I’m right in there.

Thanks to my friend for her inspiration.

My name is….

…Tien Shan. The two characters literally translate to sky mountain, but Tien Shan is more commonly translated as Celestial Mountains. As was mentioned in my last post, it was my grandfather who gave me this name.  A few years before his passing my mother had asked him to write a poem based on my name. (My mother also asked the same for my sister.) The form of the poem is akin to acrostic (name) poetry. The two characters which make up my name start each of the two lines respectively.  The two lines are meant to represent the yin and yang aspects of the personal characteristics the name represents. I recently asked for the calligraphy of the poem that my grandfather produced so that I could have it framed. My mother’s translation of the poem is what led to the discussion about strength. Although a word for word translation would maintain the poems form it would not do it justice, so here is my (attempted) interpretive translation:

Infinite as the sky, impenetrable as the earth.                                                                                                                                            Clear as the mountain, serene as the sea.

I sometimes wonder if I live up to this.

What’s in a name?

My mother had this to say to me over this holiday season:

Your grandfather gave you such a strong name, but your not strong. Are you strong? Do you think your strong?

This sounds like a horrible thing to say to your child, but she didn’t mean any harm by it. Her comment certainly told me that we have different ideas or views of what strength is or what makes a person strong.

It seems to me that she is focused more on the external expression of strength. Expressing my will and opinions in a assertive and even forceful manner. Perhaps bending others to my will and forcing my opinions upon others. I think this stems from my mothers black and white (and sometimes almost naive) view of what is right and wrong. It probably also has something to do with not wanting to see her son get hurt or taken advantage of.

I think I tend to focus internally. I believe in staying true to my personal values and beliefs; staying true to who I believe I am. This is something that my mother also believes. Where we differ is perhaps in our flexibility. I don’t necessarily care to bend people to my will or force my opinions on them. I don’t mind bending to the will of others so long as my values and beliefs are not compromised in the process. As far opinions go, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and there’s no point in  getting all worked up every time their opinion differs from my own.

My name does imply a certain strength and maybe I don’t quite live up to it but I don’t think I’m as far off as my mother may think.

Do I need this enough? What do I want? What do I need?

In relation to my “failed’ marriage my father said to me that maybe I was too complacent and maybe that’s why my ex-wife got bored. I was a little surprised to hear him say that, but I didn’t necessarily disagree. It got me thinking: maybe I wasn’t cut out to be in a relationship; maybe I’m not a good partner.

It’s not that I think I’m a bad guy or that I’m not considerate enough. It’s just that I’ve always believed that it’s more important to be in a relationship because you want to be and not because you need to be. Maybe I don’t need it enough. Or maybe I do and I just don’t want to believe it.

One of my colleagues at work said to me once, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re too easy going. That’s just how you are.” My initial reaction to that was, “Why would I take offence to that?” I still don’t take offence, but looking back on these comments makes me wonder if they’re onto something? (Since I first started writing this post another friend has since said to me, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re way too much of a nice guy.”)

It’s funny, I’ve always believed that you must be comfortable in who you are, comfortable with yourself before you can form any sort of meaningful relationships with people. It’s been my habit after break ups to take time to be alone, time to reacquaint myself with me. I feel it’s important that when you are in a relationship it’s because you want to be in it and not that you need to be in it. This sounded reasonable to me but then I came across an on-line article the other day looking at why there are more single women in their 30’s than ever. The answer was funny: they’re single because their told they don’t need relationships.

So what’s more important in a relationship: the want or the need? I still believe it’s the want, but maybe this idea of need is worth another look. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something and there’s nothing wrong with needing something. Further more, there is nothing wrong with asking for something you want or need. Maybe we’re all too caught up in this idea that we can and should be self sufficient in every aspect of our lives that we’ve become hardened. More like a rock than perhaps we should be. I said before that being impervious to emotions robs us of the human experience. I was referring primarily to external factors, but now I wonder how much that applies to what comes from within.

I believe that my wants and needs are relatively simple and few, further than that I am not terribly affected if my wants go unfulfilled….for the most part. It’s not that I am not disappointed or saddened. I am, but my strong sense of pragmatism tells me that wants are not necessities and life goes on without them and other wants and opportunities may come along.

Is it that I don’t place enough value on my own needs? Or maybe it’s that some of my wants are more needs than I recognize or acknowledge. Most who know me would agree that I generally think of others before myself. I had a great discussion with a high school friend in which she pointed out that looking out for others is great, but that I shouldn’t forget to look out for myself.  Maybe this has to do with how I view my life. I am easy going. I generally roll with whatever comes my way. Maybe I’m too flexible. Maybe it’s just a question of being able to more openly express my wants and needs. If I bend too much to the situation around me, do I lose the form that is actually me?

There is a quote I like from Bruce Lee: “Be like water. Water can flow or it can crash. Be like water my friend.” (It goes something like that anyway.) I’ve been pretty good at flowing, but I’m not sure I ever crash. Maybe it’s time.

A break from the doom and gloom

The other day a friend gave me quite a compliment. He said that he was sure that one day, when the time came, I would make a great father.

I can’t think of compliment much greater than that. I only hope that if and when the time comes, my friend is right.

I generally considered a pretty level headed person, but even us level headed people have our ups and downs. Stay tuned for more levelness…

Alone in a crowd.

I had a strange day. I managed to get out to see some friends at a couple of different events. I was glad that I could be there to support them in their respective endeavours. I turned out to be a beautiful day, but despite being in the presence of great people and great weather I felt quite alone.

More on filler…

A friend suggested that maybe my thoughts on filler are more of an existential question than anything else. “Why am I here?” “What is my purpose in life?”

There are times when I am content knowing that I am here for a reason and that I do have a purpose in life without knowing what these things actually are. I guess now is a time where I feel I would like to know what they are. Or maybe it’s a time that I doubt that I have any purpose at all.